President Me (2014)

Cover President Me
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Please be seated.
    (TWENTY-TWO-MINUTE STANDING OVATION EVENTUALLY SUBSIDES) Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, and my fellow Americans. It is the duty of all presidents to report to Congress yearly on the State of the Union. I stand before you now reporting that the state of our union is stronger than ever. America is back on top again because of me.
    (APPLAUSE) Our children are now going to schools where competition and toughness are encouraged. Schools where a little l
...ight bullying is a good thing and not everybody is a winner. And you know who’s not going to those schools? Dads. They’re out working and not getting dragged into every pageant, play, and participation trophy award ceremony.
    (APPLAUSE) Teacher tenure has been eliminated. If you suck, you can be fired. If your school sucks, it will be turned into an outlet mall. Not that that is an issue anymore because my measures, mandates, and decrees have increased the number of intact families, which was the fucking problem in the first place.


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